Expanding our Family

I was talking to someone today, and she was asking if we wanted to have "our own kids"

I came up with an answer later in the day when talking out the conversation. Realizing that I so infrequently give voice to my real desires thinking that if I don't put words to them, and act on making them happen, perhaps it will be less painful if they don't materialize.

Sitting back, and talking openly, she helped me find the words that have been inside for so long. Yes, we really want to expand our family. 

All my love to our three wonderful children, and may my wishes come true for more. 

I was reading a post about why someone blogs and I could not help but agree with her thoughts..In a nutshell, because you can totally say what you think. 

Her goes. 

I am struggling with my parents coming out for a visit. Originally, they had planned to come out in July and spend about 10 days with us and then a few days with my step sister who recently moved to Palo Alto and is more recently going through a divorce. Suffice to say, I was surprised when I called to chat one week, and my step mother mentioned that they would not be able to come out..They had wanted to go to Tanglewood with friends and also come out to spend time with all of us in SF. Since the prices of everything had gone up so much, Tanglewood was the only thing they could afford to do. This was the same call in which I learned that my step sister was now getting a divorce ( there had been no sign of this coming ) 

I was a bit surprised, and I realize a moment later, a bit hurt. Thankful that my stepmother said what she was really thinking, but sort of struck by the choice. 

In the past, my quick response would have been to suggest paying-for the ticket, hotel whatever. Instead, answering honestly as well, I let her know that unfortunately, due to starting our business and our fertility treatments we too were a bit strapped. 

At the same time, I so wanted them to come out. Last year, spending time before and during our weeding week was really meaningful and I long to have us all spend more time together. Knowing the past and creating more of a connection as a family. 

My suggestion, was to figure out how to perhaps use miles for the trip, and that I would look into this over the next week or so. Thinking more about the dates, I was honest about when it would make the most sense for us to have them come..Scott and I talked and thought more about what we wanted the week to really look like. So here we are now. 

I have not made any calls to the airlines. I have thought countless times about the week and what it could look like...I have felt the pain of them not, for once, just getting on a plane and choosing to come out instead of something else. Why is this, and why has it been a pattern for so long. 

So now, I get ready to call..To see if there is a way that I can move us closer to what I believe we want and what none of us seems to have the courage to do. Acknowledge the love that I feel and the hopes that I have. To act from the heart. To talk about what is there. 

To them, not just to you. 

Getting an Education

What an education. The cost of fertility drugs and one cycle of treatment is the same as a year of college. Scary. Researching a variety of options to get drugs for a bit less ( first, the list of online suppliers-all legit and then the fertility clinic advises that you let them know your insurance does not cover IVF) Trust me, I appreciate the advice, but it is amazing to think about how many people have the opportunity to help you along the way.

Part of you thinks, at whatever cost, we will have a baby. Part of you thinks, oh my gosh, maybe we will get pregnant this month. The challenge I think is to pause. To focus on what matters, and not worry about all the other stuff. Sometimes, easier said then done.

The Art of the Start...Peek Aren't You Curious

As I sit here on a Sunday morning, I think about the choices we all make, active and inactive.  A few years ago, my ( now ) husband and I would talk about what we want our life to include and how we could go about making it happen. 

As we took walks together, we talked about his kids and how we wanted to spend our time as a family, as much time with the kids as possible, having children of our own, the opportunity to work with creative people, build a concept that we were truly proud of and one that held our beliefs and dreams. For the first time, I found myself giving voice to the boxes of children's clothes, books and toys I had collected from my years of travel and truthfully my hopes to start a family. The boxes that I could not open up litterally or conceptually over the years. As we talked, I kept thinking about how much I love children, the freedom of expression, the emotions that pour out of them, the world through their eyes. As a child myself, I had been fortunate in some ways and less so in others. I always imagined what it would be like to love and adore children of my own.  As we talked, ideas started to form. 

For years, I had been working for companies, with smart and creative people who often became some of my closest friends. I never planned my career with the exception of dilligently pursuing an internship in Retail during my Junior year in College. From there, I was lucky enough to work for and meet some great people along the way-ending up years later in a company that I basically grew up in. After fourteen years, and a change in Management, it was clear that it was finally time to move on. Moving on include a new job, a new city ( LA ) and a new outlook on life. It was if the world had completely opened up. 

Meeting Scott at work, I saw a different life. I found a partner who shared the same dreams and a love for life and adventure that I never new. We found in each other a balance between learning, growing and supporting each other and with that, dreams came pouring out of our hearts and heads. For now, it was about wanting and creating. 

As we stepped back, and really decided ( slowly at first ) to start our company I was incredibly optimistic and scared. The security that we had known for so long was gone, and yet it was as if that world no longer fit. This world is a new world-one of risk, adventure, learning, failure, joy and tremendous personal growth. It is taking some getting used to, mostly as I learn that it requires constant dedication, honesty and a commitment like nothing I have ever done. 

I think back at all that we have done and learned...Finding a partner, starting a business entity, creating a concept, finding an office space, registering our trademarks, developing a fund raising plan, partnering with great manufactures,  hiring the first team members, establishing creative partnerships, opening the first store, going to trade shows, creating all of the elements of the brand, sharing the concept with the real estate community, moving into a bigger office, reconnecting with old friends, getting and shipping our first order to Barney's, getting on Daily Candy...I would not have it any other way. 

To those who have joined us, all I can say is thank you for helping make our dreams come true. 

One step Closer

Just off the phone with our clinical coordinator. We have had a few appointments to prep for our IVF cycle, and today getting down to all the detail. Our clinical coordinator had a " minor procedure yesterday" so we had our meeting over the phone. Before the call, in my usual fashion, I was thinking I wanted both of us to be on the call so we could go through all of this together, understand what was coming up and just because. The other side of me of course thought, maybe I should just take the call myself and take notes to review with Scott later. Must be thinking I should not bother him with the details of this, and of course missing that we both are in this together. He wants to actually be on the phone, has been at all the appointments and is as excited and scared as I ( in different ways ) to have a baby together and add another child to our family.

Hmmm..I always thought I would not fall into any stereotypes. Would not feel badly about not being able to get pregnant without assistance, not feel emotional that we could not have a romantic weekend or period of months where we were trying and then we were surprised to find out one month we were expecting. And yet, here we are. Scared, excited, proud, and moving one step closer. Surrounded by a lot of people who want to help. Family, Doctors, Friends, Folks from work. 

There is no pride in doing things alone and without effort, disappointment, loss. As I think back on the week, I realize that at so many moments, letting others in and truly stepping towards loved ones gave us all the chance to truly participate in life. It is hard to say out loud that the pain that comes from thinking you won't be able to get pregnant and then to realize there is so much that you try. To go through a few months of hoping that now that their are doctors involved, that despite some of the statistics that this should likely work for you. It is hard for me to imagine the day that we find out we are pregnant, maybe because I am afraid it may not come. 

My husband always says to me that we are incredibly fortunate to have and write a love story. We found each other, we want more for each other, and we love each other with out question. This is the next chapter. 

A great day ( and night )

Just back from LA, spending time with friends last night, and then a dear dear friend this morning..What a great few days. 

Last night was fantastic...good friends, great laughs, a simple birthday bash poolside in West Hollywood. Close friends, lots of love and good conversation. 

The thank you note this morning from the bday girl...

" thank you for all of your beautiful presence and making my bday celebration so special. I love you. Namaste "

To she and her husband I say thank you as well...for fighting, supporting each other, going deeper and knowing that there is much still to be explored..Much love...and may everyday be a celebration of your life. 

Cupcake image courtesy of  Team sugar

Love and Loss

A close friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer late last year...A surprise to all of us, as she is young, kind hearted, practices and has learned about her yoga practice in a complete and loving way. I was so sad when I heard the news originally through a good friend, and have held her in my heart and thoughts for the last year. I did not realize until today how afraid I am of losing her, or anyone I love. Why is it that the fear of loss, heavy in my heart causes me at times to pull away.
We have all experienced loss and pain, and have nursed friends and family back to health or closer to death in a loving way. Is it the loss of my own mother so early on? First to the disease and then to life itself? Was it the shielding of a child, the absence of honest conversation and feelings that causes me to be so good at moving on.
It is no longer who I want to be. I want to be there, every step of the way, loving, losing, and experiencing. I don't want to hide behind the to dos at work, or logistics...But it is hard.

Her life has been a rich and loving one. Her birthday and every other day is a true gift. Live Simply, Love often, Face fear and never walk alone.

Tonight a small birthday celebration and more a celebration of living a connected life.
To my life partner, thank you for continuing to show me the way.