the beginning

As I sat, finishing my book last night, a few things became clear. 

I have a strong desire to connect with what is in my heart. 

Let me start at the beginning, and please know, this may take some time. 

If I don't start there, none of this will make complete sense. 

There are in fact quite a few beginnings.

At the age of 12 days, my birth mother signed the papers and gave me up for adoption. From what little I know, that was not an easy decision.

At the age on one month and one day, I met and came home to my parents. From what I know, they were thrilled and could not wait to bring me home and build their family.

At the age of 8, my mother was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. She was in and out of the hospital for years. 

At the age of 14, my parents wanted to send me away for a few years. As I was told, with her illness, my brother and I were too much to handle. A dear friend and family invited me to live with them. A year later, as had been agreed to, I moved in with my closest friend and her loving parents. 

At the age of 15, I got a call to come home. A day later, my mom died. 

At the age of 18, I meet my step mom to be. 

At the age of 19, my dad remarried.

At the age of 28, I got married. 

At the age of 35, I got separated and divorced. 

At 35, I fell in love. 

At 35, I fell in love again. This time, with my husbands three children. There were nerves too..but more on that later. 

At 39, I married the love of my life and began to understand what marriage truly meant.

At 39, I became a stepmother.

At 39, we tried to get pregnant. Naturally at first, and then with some help. More on that later. 

At 40, we are starting IVF and moving closer to our dream.

Last night, I  began to realized what I have been afraid of. Obvious I am sure to my husband, and to others maybe as they read. How can I be a mom, when I don't know what one looks like. 

When so many memories are of being given away, running away and being scared. When the instincts I have now, to mother my step children are at times questioned? 

What I start to understand, is that the first step is allowing myself to fall into the want. To find the words to say how scared I am, but that I know we can do this together. To stop myself from making lists of all the reasons we should not...3 kids already, how they might feel ( they could not be more excited about the idea of a baby brother or sister ) not being able to get pregnant, being overwhelmed,  fearing that things with my husband and I will change ( and yes, I know they will ) a desire to spend time at home, and having a created outlet and not knowing how to balance it all...financial woes of starting a business and having a family of five to take care of already, what car will fit us all...You get the picture. And yet,  I can not bury the want and the fears anymore. 

This blog, a place to share it all. 

On Monday, A new begining. Our meeting with our IVF nurse coordinator and financial coordinator. We begin again. 

Image courtesy of Erica Bartel